How to Zoom With Santa
The mall is forbidden, laps are unwelcome, and this year’s St. Nick memories will be virtual
The grotesquely hilarious photo is almost always the same. Santa Claus is the jolly man in the red suit, big black buckled belt, and the pullable white beard. You know the guy.
The child, on the other hand, is twisted into a reddened, unfamiliar blur, close to unrecognizable in the throes of a screamy terror fit. It could be an alien insect painfully shedding its exoskeleton, this tiny, contorted, wet-with-tears thing on Santa’s lap. Santa looks nonplussed; sometimes the Jolly Elf is just holding up his hands with a zen “in 30 seconds, this kid is no longer my responsibility” sangfroid. This will have been the 30th or 31st meltdown of the day; it’s no biggie, really.
This disturbing photo provides laughs to the parents for years to come (the kid, not so much), but who knew how much more precious this image would come to be in a year (2020) when the ritual drama won’t be widespread—if it’s happening at all?
Nobody is expecting Santa’s lap to be open for business this year. If he is available in person at all, it will be ensconced in a snow globe, behind plexiglass, or carefully face-shielded and safety-distanced. Santa Claus 2020 will be refusing your plates of homemade cookies…
